Friday, March 26, 2010

Bring on the fear

You wake up suddenly and without warning. There has been no nice warm-up dreams about drinking bottles of gin that taste like chocolate milkshake or swimming comfortably and very warmly in a large pool of icy cool 7up.

The dreams of a normal hangover.

You are just awake.

The natural side effects of alcohol excess are evident. A feeling of your brain being shrinked violently inside your head, the burning in your chest from one after the other cigarettes. Dryness in your throat. Sometimes shaking. But always the fear. An immediate, illogical feeling of dread. It's like your brain knows something you don't, something terrible. A feeling like you are in great danger, or have done something awful. The fear. You immediately begin to counsel yourself, convince yourself there is no need for this fear. You begin to call up memories from the previous night and nothing bad springs to mind, yet still the feelings persist.

What is this sheer anxietey? Will anything cure it? More booze? Probably, but it's not an option as you have to function today, and you're not sure your body can ingest any substances at the moment. You just want to gag.

You tell yourself, it's the fear. It will pass. You try to convince yourself that you have no need for anxiety. But still it persists. You know there is no cure, you will just have to ride it out.

You are warm in your bed, and you curl up tighter in the sheets and flip your pillow over to the cold side and fight to sleep...

When it comes it is soothing. Each time you wake the fear is weakened. When you do get up and do what you have to do, this fear will come with you flashing in and out slowly.

Eventually it passes. You don't always get answers, sometimes there are no answers...
sometimes it just decides to stalk you...

Its all of course a trick. A trick by your body. It wants the booze again. It wants the warm and safe feeling again... so it tries to frighten you, with the fear..
tries to get you back there again...

And it usually works.

I have not had a drink for six weeks. (As a devout Catholic)

The fear at some stage over Easter weekend will be staggering...

I'm looking forward to it...

Might go to Limerick and do it on Good Friday...

Catch a Rubber bandits gig..


Cant wait

Monday, March 22, 2010

back to CDs for me..

So what was so wrong with CDs? You could listen to them anywhere. In your car, out jogging, on a bus, in your home...anywhere. They were limitless.
OK, so now you can carry around the equivalent of 300 Cds in a box the size of a cigarette packet. You can have 298 CDs that you will never listen to, and the two that you bought this week. Hell, I can carry 2 CDs if need be. I only listen to CDs in my car and that has a boot that would definitley take 300 CDs if I wanted to always have 'Now 6' at my fingertips...

When you upgraded from an old version of windows to a newer version of windows, your CD's stayed the same. They still sat there in their little cases stacked neatly and tidily in racks. They didnt suddenly disappear. You didn't suddenly have to start searching through endless folders looking for music that you had actually bought legitimately. In fact you could throw your computer out the window, listen to it smash into a million pieces below, remove a cd from its cover and place it in your player and listen to your hearts content. You could also realize that the former action where initially satisfying may lead to some consternation at a later date.

I have made a concious decision today. No more of my money will itunes be getting.
The bastards. Download once and fuck off! Dont come back pestering us. We dont care if you gave us 9.99 for 'sigh no more' last week. You should have backed up!

I might start buying CDs again, though I think you can only get Susan Boyle now. But I supposed I could get used to her.
Then I suppose, I could start backing...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


ebay is Fantastic.
It brings buying things that you really dont need to a whole new level...